sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
