And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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