Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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