Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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