I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
