I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize