happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
