So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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