Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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