She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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