i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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