I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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