she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
