please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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