you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We were destined to go to rehab together
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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