totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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