I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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