I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
