first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
