So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
