its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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