Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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