also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
