Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.