An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING