I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
