That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
