They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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