I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
