I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
