I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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