Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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