Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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