my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
