I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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