I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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