listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Found your dick twin last night
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
