Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
