currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
