You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
