Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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