no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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