for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
