His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
