how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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