just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
