why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
