did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
