im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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