Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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