You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
