I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have feelings that need drinking.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
