I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
