I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
