Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
