Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
