It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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