all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm too high and old for this...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
