why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
