i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
