By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
